New study declares Love a disease; medication may be available
Doctors from the University of Allopath have announced that Love is a curable
disease. It is characterized by abnormal heart rhythms, sweating, impaired
brain function, incoherent speech patterns and loss of sleep, among other
signs. Thanks to this pioneering work from researchers sponsored by the
leading drug firm Pferck, researchers have learned that
love is a common biochemical disorder affecting both men and women of all
Fortunately, it is treatable with prescription drugs. A new drug,
Miserexa, combines beta blockers and antidepressants to alleviate
the symptoms of Love. This drug slows the heart and helps patients feel
detached from reality, counteracting the unhealthy neediness of Love.
The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved the new drug
this week. In a press conference, chief FDA drug approval scientist Dr.
B. Fuddle said, "We are declaring war on Love, and doing everything
in our power to eradicate Love from the world."
The market for Miserexa is expected to reach six billion dollars
annually. "Love has reached epidemic proportions", explained a
public relations representative of Pferk. "If we do not act immediately
to thwart the spread of this disease, Love will run rampant, and we will
be facing an epidemic of Love in the world."
Health researchers first became aware of the disease after
being alerted to symptoms of Love by the psychiatry community, which has
been instrumental in the detection and aggressive treatment of this dangerous
condition with brain-altering drugs. "We were seeing it in an alarming
number of patients", explained one psychiatrist, "and it was causing
untold suffering in their lives. Fortunately, the condition can now be chemically
Further study revealed that Love is highly contagious. It
can apparently spread from one person to another, although the mechanism
of transmission is currently unknown. Love also spreads easily from mother
to child, especially in newborns. Interestingly, Love has no effect on landlords
and corporate CEOs, who seem to possess some unknown immunity to the disease.
Given the expanding threat of this disease, doctors stress
it is important that all adults get screened for Love as soon as possible.
Hospitals and clinics are now setting up Love screening programs in the
hopes of catching the disease early and treating it aggressively with targeted
pharmaceuticals. "Nearly half the population may now be suffering from
Love", said Dr. Fuddle, "and we estimate more than 90% of the
carriers are currently going without treatment. It is important that we
provide screenings and treatment on a population-wide basis."
If Love is not detected and treated in its early stages, it
can advance to the point where the only solution is surgery. In such severe
cases of Love, skilled surgeons perform a cardiectomy (a surgical removal
of the heart). The procedure is risky, and many patients have died on the
operating table, but many more have been successfully saved from the ravages
of Love by the skillful blade of a compassionate surgeon.
The American Misery Association (AMA), whose
mission is to find the cure for Love, is working hard to help educate the
general public to watch for early signs of Love. People are urged to conduct
a Love self-examination in the privacy of their own homes, and to watch
out for the classic symptoms of Love: racing pulse, sweaty palms, inability
to speak in coherent sentences, or confusion around certain attractive individuals.
People are also taught how to avoid giving Love to others - an important
step in halting the spread of this disease.
If you suspect that you or someone you know might be suffering from Love,
don't wait. Treatment is available. Don't let Loved ones suffer any longer.
This press release is brought to you by Pferck, where today's
rip-off drug prices fund tomorrow's profit miracles.
All information posted on this web site is
the opinion of the author and is provided for educational purposes only.
It is not to be construed as medical advice. Only a licensed medical doctor
can legally offer medical advice in the United States. Consult the healer
of your choice for medical care and advice.