By Philip N. Ledoux
February 7, 2005
We had a president who avoided the draft, and another who is still president forget to show up for combat training and never got his wrists slapped with a wet noodle. But you and I are mere mortals, what can we do? Some escaped to Canada, but the Canadian and Mexican borders are melting away so fast they just might disappear.
The not so obvious is the solution. Sally forth, line up and raise your right hand.
If you think I'm crazy, read on. Where is the best place to hide? Right in plain sight. My mother used to hide her delicious, fresh baked pies right in plain sight. It worked because we were hunting for hiding places. As farmers, my father and I could divide one of mom's pies in half and it would be all gone before she ever knew we were in the house. Now, why not use mom's strategy?
If they catch you for evading the draft, you'll end up in the hoosegow, slammer, rock pile gang. In some cases, with black being white and up being down and left being right, you just might be the recipient of high speed lead poisoning for resisting the draft. Why risk it? Just go to the sign up station and participate, but participate intelligently. No, I am NOT CRAZY. Hide right in plain sight.
Starting right now start practicing. Are your parents willing to help you practice? Got some STRONG, healthy friends who will help you practice? You will need assistants. Not for when you get to the draft station, but BEFORE you get there. How long can you stand at "attention"? You've seen it enough on TV to know what to do. Stand at attention. Have your father whap you as hard as he can with the flat of his hand (just short of breaking bones) on your back. In other words if he is right handed, he stands at your left shoulder and swings his right arm in a mighty swing. Remember, you are supposed to be at attention! Stiff. Not a muscle relaxed, that is "at attention". That is why the order is quickly given "at ease", well trained men have a limit of being "at attention". The object of this "game" is for you to retain the "at attention" position regardless of what happens to you. If you go flat on your face, you have to retain the "at attention" position in the horizontal position. "You're shitting me man!" No, I am dead serious. Do you want to be a casualty of war, come home to die of DU poisoning, or crippled for life with lungs damaged by friendly bio-warfare? If you don't want that, let's get back to survival training before arriving at the recruiting station.
Assume the "Attention" position. Arms straight down at the sides. Every muscle flexed. Not overly flexed but with some tension. How long can you stand in that position? Three minutes? Sissy. The object is to work up so that you can do it for at least an hour, no cheating half relaxing during the hour. Hey man, I've been in the military, I'm trying to help you stay out of the military, but you gotta follow some basic instructions and basic training BEFORE so that you can stay out. I still sound crazy don't I? Hang in there. Training to stay out of the military is more difficult than training after you get in. And I'm dead serious, so follow instructions to the letter.
The most important part is maintaining the "at attention" position under any and all conditions. Got a brat sister or brother? Good. While you are in the "Attention" position have them run up behind you and knock you down. You might have to take a handicap and have them use a pillow to not damage your back. Allow them all the dirty tricks. You are to maintain the "Attention" position, vertical if possible, but you cannot move your feet even an sixteenth of an inch, not one smidgen! Those feet have to remain stationary, shoes touching at the sides, never varying a bit even if you are falling over on your face. You are allowed to twist by body movement so you don't break your nose or cranium, but those legs and feet have to remain "in position" of "Attention". Yes, you are going to get some cuts and bruises in this training. You have a choice, this kind of training, or high-speed-lead-poisoning training. It's your choice. You have no other.
Once you feel that you have mastered the "at Attention" position from vertical to horizontal, now comes the tough part. Have someone blindfold you; then assume the "Attention" position, then holler "ready". The object now is for a grown person, adult or blacksmith to push you, whack you or knee jerk you to move your feet out of position. You'll need a few jars of Ben Gay to get you through this phase. This isn't just a one hour exercise. You have to go through this at least two weeks half an hour every day. Yes, pissy ass diabolical training. Admitted. The borders will soon be closed, and you will need your internal passport to cross any state line. That narrows the choices down to the training I am trying to give you, or have a bulls-eye taped to your back and front so the Zambabweans, North Koreans, Iranians, Burmese or Cubans can use you for target practice. Got it?
Ready? Hup, One, Two, Halt. Dummy, I gotcha! You flunked the test. Remember I never told you to march, ONLY "Attention". 100 pushups for being a dummy. That's what you get in training when you screw up. And if the drill sergeant (CPO, etc.) doesn't like you he plants his foot in your back and applies pressure while you push up and he helps you down whammo hard. You're trying to avoid high-speed-lead-poisoning, expect some bruises along the way to avoid real torture.
"Attention". "Forward March". Did I sucker you in on that one? The object of this training is to assume ONLY the position known in the military as "Attention". That and nothing else. But you have to maintain it vertically, horizontally, and any position inbetween, under any and all circumstances.
Believe me, although it may sound like I have exaggerated the above, It is dead serious. You have to be able to maintain the position with locked knees, immovable shoes and feet under any and all conditions. Burn that into your pea sized brain, as the drill master repeats over and over when they gotcha.
Now, how in the hell do you apply this to the draft? Real simple. I hope I have your attention by now. "At Ease", relax, engage brain. I will tell you once and once only. From then on, your life is in your own hands.
In EVERY war America has had, EVERY participant was a VOLUNTEER. Do I have to repeat? I didn't stutter, or hallucinate. ALL were Volunteers. Yes we were drafted. I was drafted. I remember the ceremony. A pep talk, a little about patriotism, a little about the great documents of liberty, then they taught us how to dress up ranks. That only means, stand in neat rows from side to side and front to back. Fancy names for simple things. "Now raise your right hand and repeat after me . . ." And we all raise our right hands, and if any of us appear to be mumbling, the "master of ceremonies" stops and starts all over again with warnings. It is my understanding that all the way through this much of the ceremony, none of us have committed ourselves to join any military. We have vowed to uphold the Constitution, defend our country, etc. but nothing yet about joining the military.
Here is the clincher: The next command is: "Everyone volunteering to serve in (Army, Navy, etc.) step forward one step" That is the key in the ceremony. You haven't been drafted you have volunteered. Incredible, no? The ceremony is touching to anyone with a smidgen of patriotism; and yet we all volunteered. And volunteering is the key.
If you are serious about avoiding the draft, go to the draft station when assigned or told to. And you better have been serious about the training I suggested that you take before you go. When you get there, and they start gathering you up, weasel your way to the back, and hopefully, manage to have your back close enough to the wall that nobody can get behind you, but that isn't always possible. Finally, when the command is given to step one step forward, your "Attention" training automatically takes over. You become an immovable statue. There are plenty of "assistants" who are watching to make certain everybody takes that "one step forward". They are going to shove you, push you, do anything they can to make you make that "one step forward". Now does maintaining the "Attention" position in the horizontal make sense? This old cuss wasn't as crazy as he sounded is he? To say it kindly, "they" are going to be pissed, Royally Pissed! You may need some Ben Gay! But remember, that's better than high-speed-lead-poisoning. They will forcibly haul your ass off to the brig. You might get bread and water. Don't worry, if you are healthy, you can survive on water for 40 days or so, and their nerves will be frayed to a frazzle before then. They will try to put you through the ceremony again. Hang tough, and maintain the "Attention" position. Got the idea? It will be a battle of wits; who will win? They hope they can wear you down, I don't think they will use torture at this phase of the game, although I cannot guarantee it. The worse that can happen is when they give up, they will give you your now ill fitting civilian clothes and escort you to the main gate of the military complex. You are now a free man. You'll need pre-arrangements for someone to accept a collect call, etc. You have answered your draft call. As I said, it requires more training to avoid military service than after you have entered military service.
Now, you are on your own. Think it all over. I cannot give you advice, nor counsel, nor take responsibility for anything that happens; if I did, I would be practicing law without a license to the Bar. So you are completely on your own. My best to you. I had the privilege of setting in the mud in a submarine while the Russians depth charged us for three hours all in peace time. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Good luck.
Philip N. Ledoux
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